The Rules To Working At Stark Tower!
by CrystalClear98
Summary: Cassandra works for Tony Stark which means she works with The Avengers, this is her guide to working at Stark Tower! First funny fic please tell me what you think of it! Rated T because I'm paranoid.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, so I've seen loads of these rules fics so I thought I'd have a go to. Review please!**

Rule 1-

**Show up on time-**

If you don't Loki goes on and on about how tardiness is not tolerated on Asguard. And this conversation-or rather lecture- can go on for hours. He will follow you around. No kidding. Believe you me it is not an intriguing morning.

Rule 2-

**Don't get Steve started on the war-**

Another depressing conversation/lecture that goes on forever. Doesn't matter which war either, he's got opinions about them all. And woe betide anyone who tries to leave. I made that mistake… Never again….

Rule 3-

**Don't, under any circumstances, let Tony drag you into a game of truth, dare, kiss or swear-**

One of the most important rules of them all. It never ends well and of course there's no saying 'no' to Tony, you just have to make a run for it, because 'no' means nothing to Tony. And you can trust me when I say Tony's version of this game is so unfair. Somebody chooses for you. And Tony just had to pick kiss for me didn't he. I wouldn't have minded his choice either, except that there was everybody watching us. Trust me kissing the god of mischief, lies and chaos was kinda awkward with a captivated crowd, all of whom were certain Loki would refuse, even if I was all for it. But you shoulda seen their faces.

Rule 4-

**Don't leave dust on Bruce's lab equipment-**

He gets all upset for some reason… And when Bruce gets upset Hulk gets mad at the person who made him upset. Even if it _was_ an accident . I was under surveillance for weeks when cleaning the labs. I t's kinda disturbing, having the Hulk watch you cleaning and pointing out bits you've missed.

Rule 5-

**Don't leave reindeer ornaments in Loki's room-**

I seriously thought I was a gonna when he came in holding one in his fist and turned it into dust with one squeeze of his hand. He growled and everything.

Rule 6-

**Don't let them have team building exercises in the kitchen-**

They were supposed to be making me dinner and Steve thought it would be a good idea to do it together, as a team. Bruce, Loki and I sat out and took bets on the out-come, Tony did too but joined in 'cause apparently I'm under-appreciated ( which is totally true, but I never thought I'd hear those words from _Tony_ of all people). Bruce thought they'd blow up the kitchen, Loki thought that Steve and Tony (who can surprisingly cook, not that he ever does) would be able to make something almost remotely edible, whilst Natasha and Clint would put out the fire Thor was bound to make. I however, bet that Steve would stand about looking bemused because of all the technology, Thor would eat the ingredients, Natasha would burn attempt number 1, Clint would set attempt 2 on fire and Tony would watch attempts 1 and 2 ( probably laugh) and then take over attempt 3 and actually succeed. Needless to say, I left with that experience with $100 extra in my pocket and a full tummy.

Rule 7-

**When asked to babysit Loki whilst the avengers save the world, say no-**

We ordered Chinese and I tried to teach Loki how to use chopsticks. A hilarious experience 'cause neither of us can use chopsticks. Then after pissing ourselves laughing we watched Watership Down and used a box of tissues between us. Then we went on to watch a load of Disney movies which are now banned-

-Bambi (another box of tissues was used during this film)

-Tangled (Loki and I couldn't stop the tears when Eugene nearly dies and used ½ a box of tissues)

-Mulan ( Loki was actually a huge fan of the female warrior and supported her the whole way through the movie, though he did want to recruit the Mongolians and Shan-Yu)

-Pocahontas (he wanted to recruit Flit, Percy and Governor Ratcliffe, but he still cried at the end when Pocahontas and John Smith are separated)

-Hercules (Loki hated the whole greek mythology thing, but he was still interested in recruiting Pain and Panic…. -_-)

-Bugs Life (he wanted to recruit the grasshoppers _and_ the ants, he just couldn't seem to grasp the concept that they would kill each other off *sigh*)

-Beauty and the Beast ( Loki was surprisingly against Gaston and all for Belle and the Beast getting together)

-Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (I reckon Loki secretly rooted for Snow White because I caught him smiling joyfully when Snow White and the prince rode off into the sunset, though of course he tried to save face and said he wanted to recruit the evil queen)

- Sleeping Beauty (ditto)

-Cinderella (for some reason the evil stepmother really creeped Loki out… o.O)

There were more but to list them all would be exhausting. We also watched Titanic. We used up 2 boxes of tissues. When the others came back after their week of action and saving the world they threw all the Disney movies away (or rather, tried to, Loki saved them and has them hidden under his bed) and told me never again was I to Lokisit.

Rule 8-

**Never play chess with the avengers-**

Thor can't grasp the different rules for each piece, Natasha just shoots the opposition down, Clint goes off in a strop, Steve, surprisingly, cheats (who'd have known?), Tony beats everyone except Loki, who, another surprise, _doesn't_ cheat and sometimes lets me win. He doesn't let anybody else win though, not even Pepper.

Rule 9-

**Don't ask Tony to sign anything-**

It's pointless and stress. Besides, why bother when Loki can just forge his signature? Tony still has figured it out yet.

Rule 10-

**Don't convince the avengers that they need a pet-**

Loki, Steve, Bruce, Pepper and I are the only ones who look after and none of them clean up after it, so poop patrol is left to me. Besides they argue over what kind of pet to get, let alone _names_! Bruce and Loki both wanted a cat, though Bruce wanted a tabby and Loki wanted a black one. Tony wanted a german shepherd dog, Clint wanted a guinea pig, Steve wanted a Chihuahua (don't ask, I honestly don't know) Natasha wanted a Shetland pony (apparently it's one of her childhood dreams….), Pepper wanted a hamster and Thor, unfortunately, wanted a micro-pig. I soon put paid to that idea, don't you worry. I knew he only wanted to spit roast it. In the end we gave up on the whole idea of a pet.


	2. Chapter 2

Rule 11-

**File things properly-**

Tony gets pretty mad when I put things in the wrong file. I'm not even gonna go into that experience… alright I give you a hint, it involves mouldy bananas and running around Stark Tower….told you you didn't want to know.

Rule 12-

**Avoid sending them to the zoo-**

At all costs. The thing is I was struggling to clean with them all there, so I mentioned the zoo and Tony thought it was a great idea. I should of stopped it then, anything Tony thinks is a good idea is bound to end in disaster. But off they all went, and I got cleaning. I had just finished the entire penthouse when they came back, looking absolutely shattered. And filthy. "Don't you dare sit on that sofa! Showers the lot of!" I admit that I yelled at them. When they came back Loki was the only one not to tired, so he told me what had happened. Whilst he had been trying to recruit the sharks (I wasn't about to ask) Thor had been attacked by a hormonal ferret, when Steve tried to help Thor, the ferret had run off, then come back with all it's friends. The y had eventually escaped the crazy, hormonal ferrets by hiding in the underground bat cave. The ferrets were soon rounded up by their keepers and locked up in the ferret asylum. Meanwhile Tony and Natasha were watching an elephant chase the keeper around the enclosure (Tony was, of course, filming the entire thing), when it suddenly decided to smash through the electric fence and charge straight at Tony and Natasha, who shat themselves and ran. They managed to escape the out of control elephant by jumping into the penguin enclosure. Only the super-friendly penguins were swapping enclosures with the ever grumpy elephant seals. Who obviously didn't take kindly to strangers. They ran to the bat cave where they found Steve and Thor still hiding. But Clint and Bruce were having even bigger problems. The zoo happened to be having a 'Meet the big cats' day, where you go and meet the hand-reared big cats. A lion (Leo), a cheetah (Quicksand (it's better to not ask)), two snow leopards (Snowflake and Snow Angel), five jaguars (Tommy, Jerry, Brussels, Ozzie and Yankee) and a tiger (Stripes (how imaginative)). So anyway they went in and met Leo and Stripes who were really friendly and played tug-of-war. Then when they went off to doze in the sun the group moved on. Snowflake and Snow Angel, however, seemed to be the ringleaders of a rebellion. They stalked the group the entire group for 20 minutes, then decided to sound the attack. Tommy and Jerry took the right side, Brussels and Yankee took the left and Ozzie, Snowflake and Snow Angel went behind, herding the group on. The group were running and screaming for the exit when Bruce hulked out. The Hulk turned on the unsuspecting rebels, who were now running in the opposite direction. Clint (who had forgotten his bow and arrows) decided that Bruce and the Hulk would be fine beating up the cats by themselves and met Natasha, Steve, Tony and Thor outside the giraffe enclosure, after they had finally worked up the courage to leave their safe house (AKA the bat cave). Hulk/Bruce soon found them, but Loki was still missing. So they went off in search of him. However _he_ found _them_, he was running towards them at full pelt. "I think it's time to leave." Just as he said that, the wolves started howling nearby. Yeah, would've been normal if their enclosure hadn't been the other side of the zoo. After the sharks had refused to join him, Loki had evidently tried to recruit the wolves. Only problem was, he took their growls as acceptances, yeah, he let them out. So, in short, never let the Avengers and Loki go to the zoo. Ever.

Rule 13-

**Don't let the Avengers do their own food shopping-**

It was a disaster. For some reason Tony wanted to buy those kiddies yogurts, Steve and Brucetried to get normal stuff like milk, butter, bread, meat, veggies and fruit. Unfortunately Thor thought they needed poptarts and coffee, so he filled an entire trolley with coffee jars and super large family packs of poptarts. Clint wanted…..hand sanitizer? He claims he uses it for cleaning blood off his arrows and cleaning his bow…. Natasha just wanted tequila and russian pure alcohol. Loki just kept putting angel cake and battenburg into the trolleys. Needless to say _I_ do the food shopping now.

Rule 14-

**Don't shower at work-**

Loki has a tendency to barge in just as you finish wrapping the towel around yourself. You can tell when it's accidental, he gapes at you for a second, hastily apologises and then runs for it. But when he does it on purpose he smirks and says, "I told them you were having a shower, but they didn't believe me." Then Tony yells up, "Was she in there?" And Loki yells back, "Yes!" Then he laughs at the look of horror on your face and says, "So shy…" Then wanders off leaving the door wide open. In short, don't shower at work.

Rule 15-

**Do not let Loki watch Luney Tunes-**

He gets way to into it. He is obsessed. Not even joking, I wish I was. He forced me to sit and watch it with him. Unfortunately I got way to into it as well….. That was an interesting couple of days.

Rule 16-

**Don't let Thor watch Twilight-**

If you thought Loki was bad with the Luney Tunes you will be blown away by how ad Thor is with those movies. He is so obsessed he hides them in his room and if, whilst I'm cleaning, I happen to move them he has a right go at me. Bruce and Tony had to hold an intervention whilst Natasha hid me in the airing cupboard. Not fun.

Rule 17-

**Don't move Natasha's guns-**

I was cleaning, as you do, and I moved this case out of the way so I could dust the table and suddenly Natasha was there like, "How dare you touch my guns! You English midget!" (I'm not _that_ short!) So' yeah. Don't even think about touching her guns.

Rule 18-

**Don't move Clint's bow and arrows-**

I was cleaning again. Dangerous I know. Only he didn't yell at me. Oh no. he held a god damn knife to my throat and said, "Who do you work for? Why are you trying to kill us all?" Loki thought this was hysterical. Then Natasha came in and said, "She move your bow?"

"Yeah and my arrows! I'm trying to discover who she works for but she won't say." By now Loki is fucking pissing himself. Notice how he doesn't say anything to help me?

"Relax Clint, she's just cleaning. She works for Tony."

"Oh right." He then let me go. Now some of you are probably thinking, "that's okay, you obviously hadn't been working there long." I'd been there a year and a half! He knew my name and everything!

Rule 19-

**Don't let Tony talk you into going with the Avengers to the races- **

Ever. It ended in absolute disaster. And I lost all my money. Quite literally lost it. I have no idea, to this day where it went. I didn't even place a bet! Tony did though, so did Steve, and Natasha, who knows all about gambling, being russian and all. Bruce, Loki and Thor didn't place bets either. Clint, did but for some reason didn't gain or lose money….he must have cheated. It didn't help that Thor seemed to think that he could ride better than the jockeys. He and this top jockey had such a big argument that we got kicked out. And then, of course, the cloudless sky had to cloud over and it chucked it down. But on the bright side we got some amazing footage, and I'm not talking about Thor and the jockey arguing either (though Tony did get that), no I'm talking about the huge tornado that was like 20 metres away from us before we turned and ran for it. Good times.

Rule 20-

**Don't move in with them-**

After 2 years of nearly always being late to work, Tony invited me to move in with them. I was surprised at the offer, I mean I kinda wanted to but I like my apartment, I also liked escaping the overwhelming atmosphere of Stark Tower. Unfortunately, they all got excited about me coming to live with them (even Loki….) and I just went along with it all. They were all so happy when I said yes. Then Tony held the 'Welcome to Stark Tower Cass' party.( Cass is my nickname, my real name is Cassandra.) I have never been so drunk in my life. I honestly can't remember half the night. I do remember kissing Steve though… I'm also pretty sure Loki looked slightly peeved about something…. Wonder what it was….


	3. Chapter 3

Rule 21-

**Don't ask Loki why he looked peeved-**

Or anything really. He just sighed and muttered something about blind midguardians…. What the heck?

Rule 22-

**Don't ask Tony about Loki-**

He just sighed and muttered something about blind females….

Rule 23-

**Don't ask Bruce about Loki-**

He just sighed and said to me, "That guys' brain is a bagful of cats, you can smell crazy on him…." He then proceeded to mutter mutinously about why choose someone so blind. What is with everyone?

Rule 24-

**Don't let Pepper take you shopping-**

She bought me a dress and high heels and even some jewellery. My question was, Why?

Rule 25-

**Don't let Pepper dress you up-**

There is always, always an ulterior motive. She took me out in public whilst I was wearing a dress, heels, jewellery and make-up! Can I just say that I have **_NEVER_** worn any of those things in private, let alone in public!

Rule 26-

**Don't let the Avengers see you in formal attire-**

They saw me in the dress, heels, make-up and jewellery! Tony got pictures, Natasha looked astonished, Bruce looked like he was gonna have a panic attack and Loki and Steve had their mouths hanging open. Clint was eating when I came in and he spat it out when he saw me. Then Natasha and Pepper went into a conference about my hair. And there's just me going bright red because Thor's just walked in and introduced himself 'cause he didn't recognise me. There is no God.

Rule 27-

**Don't drink ****_any_**** alcohol Tony gives you-**

We all got drunk that night (except Steve 'cause he can't get drunk). I woke up in a bed that wasn't mine. Completely naked. Next to somebody else. Who was also naked.

Rule 28-

**Don't get confused-**

I swear they're like predators, it only takes one second of confusion and they take advantages of it.

-Standing in the kitchen, wave of confusion. Cue Tony. Suddenly find myself cooking dinner. What the heck just happened?

-Stranding in the hallway, wave of confusion. Cue Loki. Wake up and find myself in his bed. Again.

Vultures, the lot of them.

Rule 29-

**Don't let them borrow your books-**

Let's use The Bone Garden by Tess Gerritsen as an example shall we?

-Loki- way to fond of the violent flashbacks and supported the murderer.

-Thor- couldn't read it very well and gave up.

-Steve-reminded him of his past (can't see how myself, it's set about 200 years before he was even born).

-Tony-it was too complex for him.

-Bruce-thought it was okay, but, unfortunately, Hulk didn't. Enough said.

-Clint-actually got quite into it, but then he wouldn't stop going on about it.

-Natasha-couldn't get over how amateur the killer was and lectured about ways he could improve his skill.

Rule 30-

**Don't let the Avengers discover your personal life-**

Tony just said to me at breakfast, "Oh my god. You're not a virgin anymore!" How did he know? I had literally just opened the fridge…

"Who's the guy? You are being safe right?" Bruce, what the fuck?

"Fondue?" I wasn't even gonna ask Steve what he meant by that.

"Sooo….." Natasha… I didn't wanna know, to be completely honest with you.

"Cupids been shooting arrows again." What a Hawkward thing to say Clint….

"What is this! How dare somebody steal Lady Cassandra's virtues!" *Facepalm* moment much Thor.

Loki just stood there looking awkward.

**Hope you guys like this new chapter! :) Reveiw please!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hope you guys like this part... ;)**

Rule 31-

**Don't let the Avengers drag you into going camping with them-**

They only want you there so you can cook them dinner… And chuck you in the lake…. They basically just want someone smaller than themselves to pick on.

Rule 32-

**Don't let them on Facebook-**

The amount of fangirls they attract is unbelievable. Plus they practically stick 'property of sticks' all over your profile. Seriously, how is this an appropriate thing to post on your employees' wall?

"Hey do you want some condoms 'cause Pepper's going to the pharmacy to get a pregnancy testing kit? Tony x"

Can I just say that my entire friends list saw this. And Natasha was almost as bad.

"Can you please stop moving my guns."

That was it. One sentence. That one sentence sent my friends into a frenzy of 'Oh my God Cass! She's gonna kill you!' Not to mention Clint's comment on this.

"And my bow and arrows."

Now my parents were flipping out. Thanks guys. Thor's comments were just weird.

"I LOVE POPTARTS! DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF THESE BIG LETters?oh never mind!"

-_- Every time he gets on Facebook, it's really not funny anymore.

"What's Farmville? Because I keep getting requests."

I didn't talk to Steve for months.

Rule 33-

**Don't let poor unsuspecting mugger try to mug you-**

The Avengers have a sixth sense about when somebody is trying to hurt me. Not to mention Loki's anger that somebody has dared touch me. They teach me self-defence moves in case I get attacked and then don't let me use them. What-the-fuck?

Rule 34-

**Lock doors behind you-**

Having Thor barge in on you sleeping with someone is not pretty.

"Brother! Wake up- Why is Lady Cassandra in your bed Loki?!" he then proceeded to run down the hall yelling at the top of his voice,

"I found Lady Cassandra!" Then it went quiet and I assume Thor was telling them I was in Loki's bed because the next thing I heard was,

"She's _where_?!" Then the sound of running feet. Loki and I were, by this point, rushing to put our clothes on. We were only just in time. Tony was just stood in the doorway, smirking.

"You lost your virginity to _Loki_?" Bruce sounded so shocked.

So make sure you lock doors.

Rule 35-

**Don't ask Thor to open a can of tomatoes for you-**

I was struggling to open the can of tomatoes and Thor was the only one around. Yep, you guessed it. Tomatoes everywhere. We were still finding bits of tomato weeks later.

Rule 36-

**Don't refer to Loki as the God of Sex-**

Mischief…sex what's the difference? Just don't say that around the Avengers.

Rule 37-

**Don't open the door to-**

-Strangers- They're usually there to kidnap someone to get at the Avengers. They always seem to go for me… maybe it's 'cause I'm a woman and I open the door…..

-Fury- Tony doesn't always want him in the Tower and it nearly always ends badly….

-Fangirls- They attack the Avengers and Natasha, Pepper and I end up trying to save them from the swarms. The Avengers not the fangirls, the fangirls are more dangerous than the Avengers!

Rule 38-

**Don't leave The Secret of Moonacre DVD lying around-**

The Avengers and Loki found it once and watched it so that they could take the piss out of my taste in films. Yeah they ended up yelling,

"Maria noooooooooo! Don't jump!" At the end part where she gives her life to save the valley. Then they cried because it was such a happy ending. You'll be glad to know I got that on video for future blackm- I mean ummm entertainment because I would _never_ blackmail….

Rule 39-

**Don't send them out to get milk from the local corner shop-**

They got mobbed…by the Fangirls of Doom… Enough said really…

Rule 40-

**Don't make lasagne for dinner-**

Hulk doesn't like it. End of.

**Please review, hope you liked it!**


	5. Chapter 5

Rule 41-

**Don't make Tony eat vegetables-**

He'll just start a food fight. And Thor takes these things literally. He threw the entire turkey at Steve, who barely ducked in time.

Rule 42-

**Don't send them caravanning- **

Trust me. I sent them off with an expensive caravan and they come back with nothing but the clothes they were wearing. And that was after 2 days. I dread to think what would have happened if they had stayed the entire 2 weeks. Pepper and I placed bets on how long they would last. Pepper didn't think they'd last 3 hours, I thought they'd last 2-3 days and come back without the caravan. I won the bet. $300. Hell yeah.

Rule 43-

**Don't take them to visit family-**

I wanted to spend Christmas with family. Tony, being Tony, invited himself along, and where he goes the Avengers follow. They are drawn to trouble like bees to honey. What an interesting Christmas that was. And, of course, mum just had to notice the atmosphere between Loki and me. The moment he left the room she was asking questions.

"Wasn't he the one who tried to take over the world?"

"You're not sleeping with him are you?"

"Are you being safe?"

And then dad started on about how Loki wasn't good enough for me and how he was trouble. And my brother, Joe, practically pounced on the poor guy. So, of course, that meant that Tony and Clint got along with Joe like a house on fire. Bruce and my other brother, Tim, got along good because Tim's doing a course at University on physics and majors in radiations. Natasha and Pepper got chatting with my 3 sisters, Jewel, Melinda and Nina, about girly stuff and I think guns came into the conversation too. Steve got along well with my dad, 'cause my dad's into history and wars. I think Thor, Loki and I were the only ones sat awkwardly in corners (_separate corners,_ I might add, MUM).

Rule 44-

**Don't stick around the Tower on April Fool's Day-**

Self-explanatory sentence really. Loki +Tony=Trouble. A simple enough equation.

Rule 45-

**Don't let Steve drag you to his place of worship-**

Let me just put this out there okay. I'm atheist. He took me to _church._ With Thor, Loki, Tony, Bruce, Clint and Natasha _as well._ Loki, Tony, Clint and I just sat at the back taking the piss out of the ceremony. Natasha occasionally chipped in but mainly sat there cleaning her guns. I felt sorry for the poor Christian folk who saw the guns and practically pissed themselves. Bruce sat there silently, all respectful of others beliefs. Thor just sat next to Steve looking confused. Poor guy.

Rule 46-

**Don't get Thor chocolate for Easter- **

He feels that chocolate is trying to unsurp poptarts from their throne of greatest food on Midguard…..

Rule 47-

**Try not to let Thor see you eating poptarts-**

He either goes completely mental and rejoices that he has finally found someone else who loves poptarts as much as him or he goes completely mental and tries to attack you for daring to touch his precious poptarts. Which basically means I had to hide in the airing cupboard for hours on end whilst the others convinced Thor that I was not the enemy.

Rule 48-

**Don't fall asleep whilst watching films-**

They now have photos of me sleeping on the sofa and they even filmed me talking in my sleep. Not even gonna go down that road.

Rule 49-

**Don't leave mouldy food in Tony's bed-**

He gets bloody angry I can tell you. Even though I only did it to get back at him for posting the footage of me and Loki crying over Disney movies on YouTube.

Rule 50-

**Don't use metaphors around Thor-**

He takes them literally.


	6. Chapter 6

Rule 51-

**Don't leave tampons or sanitary towels in the bin in the bathroom-**

Tony then figures out your menstrual cycle and tells the entire world. Fun.

Rule 52-

**Don't leave pregnancy testing kits in the bathroom bin-**

Tony pounced on me about thinking I was pregnant. Then the other Avengers got involved, I had to tell them that I was not pregnant several times before the got the message. Honestly, it's like having _8 _parents instead of just 2!

Rule 53-

**Don't tell Tony you're gonna be needing 6 months off 'cause you're having a baby-**

He almost had a heart attack.

"Oh my god you're having Loki's kid? Have a god damned abortion for fuck's sake!"

Over reaction much.

Rule 54-

**Don't take the Avengers with you for a scan-**

They paced around outside like anxious parents 'cause only Loki was allowed in with me.

Rule 55-

**Don't offer Thor any food your cravings made up-**

I mixed a load of random stuff together and was scooping it out of a bowl when Thor walked in and asked what I was eating. I told him I wasn't really sure and would he like to try some. The reaction I got when he put it in his mouth was hilarious!

"My goodness Lady Cassandra what are you eating? Are you sure this is not poisonous?"

The others came rushing in and cracked up when they found Thor gagging and trying to get rid of the 'foul' taste. I thought it tasted great but once everyone else had got a whiff they said it smelled vile.

"How are you eating that?" Steve was astonished at how I could eat it and say it tasted great. Bruce was astonished I hadn't gotten food poisoning.

Rule 56-

**When shopping for baby clothes don't take Natasha with you-**

Pepper, by all means, but not Natasha. She doesn't have a clue.

Rule 57-

**Don't ask any of the Avengers for their opinions on baby names-**

Clint liked the names Jonathon and Natasha (sucking up much), Natasha liked Czar, for a boy and Anastasia for a girl. Tony recommended Antonio (self-preoccupied bastard) and Antonia (why am I not surprised?), Bruce, Steve and Thor were neutral and Loki was willing to go along with whatever I wanted. All in all a complete waste of time. Search the net, it's a lot simpler.

Rule 58-

**Don't let them play video games, whatever you do-**

Tony, Natasha and Clint are way too aggressive and competitive, Thor loses his temper and throws the entire TV out the window and Steve doesn't understand even understand how to turn the TV on let alone use the controllers! Bruce just doesn't bother in case the Hulk comes out to play and Loki isn't allowed near the game anymore because he wins, which of course causes a riot with Tony, Natasha and Clint and he gets attacked. (Several appliances were damaged in the making of this rule.)

Rule 59-

**When channel flicking in the evening avoid any sad films-**

Such as Gladiator, The Mask of Zorro and other similar films with the deaths of main characters. I swear they used more tissues than_ me_ watching Gladiator. And that's saying something. Even Natasha bawled her eyes out.

Rule 60-

**Don't let them watch Merlin-**

Actually I should probably add myself to that…. Every time somebody dies we all bawl our brains out.

**Thanks to Crazy Narnia Fangirl for Rule 58!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks to EnyaandEathenyl for Rule 61!**

Rule 61-

**Do not enter Tony's lab-**

Seriously. Just don't. Unless you want a face full of slime. He's a bit of a practical joker, you see. Trip wires, booby-traps, the works! Trust me falling on your butt when 8 months pregnant is not fun. Especially not for the person who caused the accident.

Rule 62-

**Don't randomly yelp and say, "Ow!"-**

Steve and Tony where the only ones around at the time and the panic on their faces was priceless. Tony yelled at Steve to call 911 and ask for an ambulance. I was just like, "Guy's, calm down. The baby just kicked my bladder... Now if you don't mind I need the loo!"

Rule 63-

**Don't place maltesers on your belly-**

It proves to be to comical for them. They were practically pissing themselves with laughter. Especially when the baby kicked it off just as I'd gotten it perfectly balanced. Damn!

Rule 64-

**When doodling on sheets of paper hide the said doodles from Tony-**

He likes to ask why I'm not an artist. I'm not _that_ good!

Rule 65-

**When popping down the shops for the ingredients for some craving or other don't tell the Avengers you're going 'till you're gone-**

If you don't tell them where you're going they panic. But if you tell them where you're going too early they'll insist on accompanying you. Not my ideal escort.

Rule 66-

**Don't even try to add your opinions into their arguments-**

Even if they ask for opinions your opinions just get shot down and they carry on arguing. I have found that carrying a whistle around with me at all times helps end these arguments quickly.

Rule 67-

**Don't even bother hoovering-**

They just trample dirt around again. But if I don't hoover Tony goes on and on about me not doing my job. He got a slap for that.

Rule 68-

**Give Thor and Steve life saving advice-**

Such as-

-Don't piss of seriously hormonal, pregnant women.

That's about as life saving as you get in this place actually…at the moment anyway….

Rule 69-

**When having Braxton Hicks contractions (AKA practice contractions) don't panic-**

Because they will to. They rushed me to the hospital before I could say anything. What an embarrassment…

Rule 70-

**When watching baby channels don't make Steve watch it too-**

It's cruel and pointless. He doesn't enjoy.

**Please review!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks Crazy Narnia Fangirl for Rule 71, 72 and 73!**

Rule 71-

**When Tony tells you his daughter is coming home from Uni don't freak out-**

I should have seen it coming. I mean, he's _Tony frigging Stark. _

Rule 72-

**Don't get involved with Tony and Lydia's arguments-**

You can tell their father and daughter. They both have the same glare, same sarcasm, same 'I-will-kill-you-Loki stare'.

Rule 73-

**Don't let Lydia steal Thor's poptarts-**

He's convinced it was me and I had to hide in the airing cupboard again. And it is getting seriously cramped in there.

Rule 74-

**Don't let Tony watch Top Gear-**

He is convinced he can make a Toyboata and a Camper Van Canal Boat. I mean he probably could but that doesn't mean he should.

Rule 75-

**When watching Lord of the Rings disguise any love of a particular character-**

Loki got jealous and wanted to kill Legolas….. So did Tony…..(Pepper has a thing for Legolas).

Rule 76-

**Try not to get angry at Tony when he insists the baby will be a boy called Antonio-**

He got a bit upset when I told him that I would now go completely out of my way to name the child anything but Antonio.

Rule 77-

**Try not to hit Loki-**

It didn't hurt him or anything but he sulked for hours. He's been following me around like some kind of body guard. Actually I'm pretty sure that's what he considers himself as…..

Rule 78-

**Don't complain of belly ache-**

Before I was pregnant they tried to take me to the doctors, now that I'm pregnant they try to take me to the hospital.

Rule 79-

**When violently vomiting into the toilet don't attempt to pause to swear at the laughing Tony-**

He was laughing at me in the doorway and I when I attempted to pause so I could swear at him my vomit didn't pause….. You can see where I'm….

Rule 80-

**Don't tell the Avengers and Loki that you're in labour-**

They panicked, couldn't find the keys to any of Tony's cars and then sped at full speed through the traffic to the hospital. Then they sat outside in the waiting room like 6 anxious fathers-to-be and 2 anxious mothers (Natasha and Pepper came along too).

**What shall Cass's baby be and what shall it be called? Give me your opinions peoples! **


	9. Chapter 9

**Thank you MoonLight1300 for the name Briana!**

Rule 81-

**Don't let Tony babysit kids-**

Not even for 5 minutes. When I got back from the super market Anbiorn (Old Norse for bear and eagle) had the electrical wires for the TV an inch from his mouth, Briana (Celtic/Old English for strong and virtuous) was in the airing cupboard and Dreng (Norwegian for brave friend) was eating part of Tony's Iron Man suit.

Rule 82-

**Don't try to stop Thor from encouraging the kids to eat poptarts-**

He sulked for hours. And when Thor sulks _every_one knows about it. It's best to just let him.

Rule 83-

**Don't encourage Tony to call Steve Captain Huggles-**

The kids kinda use Steve as their own personal cushion and they nap all over him, so Tony started calling him Captain Huggles. It was funny the first time, but now it just annoys the hell out of Steve. I'm ashamed to say I encouraged Tony the first time, of course I stopped after the third time but it was too late. The damage was done.

Rule 84-

**Insist that Bruce watch the kids for a few minutes-**

It's good for him and the Hulk has started to develop a soft spot when it comes to kids. Or maybe it's just my kids…. I dunno.

Rule 85-

**Don't scream at Loki-**

I told him he ought to try getting up in the middle of the night to deal with the kids. Well actually I screamed at him. I guess I'm still hormonal or something. Anyway I actually thought he was gonna cry until I gave him a hug better…..

Rule 86-

**When Steve announces that he's got a girlfriend don't squeal-**

I woke the kids up and I'd only just got them to sleep. Plus he looked quite scared. What, did he think I was gonna devour him or something?

Rule 87-

**Blackmail Tony so that he doesn't say awkward stuff in front of guests-**

He told Alexis (Steve's girlfriend) about the time when I got totally drunk and ended up kissing Steve. But at least it got Steve and Loki to work together. They both grabbed Tony and dragged him outside. When he came back he was unharmed but looking completely terrified. I think Loki healed him so I wouldn't shout at him.

Rule 88-

**Ignore Lydia's constant questions about your life-**

Seriously she wanted to know_ every_ _bloody detail about my whole fucking life! _

Rule 89-

**When shopping for prams for triplets don't take the Avengers-**

They have absolutely no clue. Neither did Loki. My advice is leave them at home and take only Pepper with you.

Rule 90-

**When boarding a plane with the Avengers and Loki try not to laugh at the passengers reactions-**

They looked all of a flutter about the Avengers turning up to board the plane but absolutely terrified when they saw Loki. One woman practically shat herself when Loki sat next to me and I plonked Anbiorn in his lap. I think she thought it was some kind sacrifice! Lol!

**Not sure where the plane should be going. Maybe Cass's family's place? Opinions peeps!**


	10. Chapter 10

Rule 91-

**When turning up on your parents doorstep with their new grandchildren DO NOT take the Avengers-**

My parents hoped that maybe Steve was the dad at first. They didn't say so out right but I know them to well. They had a nasty shock when they saw Loki holding Briana and she was clinging to him like a koala to a eucalyptus tree. Then I thought that Joe was gonna attack Loki, I mean seriously, I've heard of staring daggers but he took it way overboard. Tim was just like,

"Ummmm….. Congrats…and…stuff…" Jewel, Melinda and Nina went completely overboard and Natasha, Pepper and I got dragged out baby stuff shopping leaving the kids in the care of Loki, the Avengers, my brothers and my parents. Can I just take the time to say that the only people in that group I trust with my kids are Loki, Bruce and Steve? It's a good thing Loki goes into over protective mode the moment I leave the room. Actually sometimes I don't even have to leave the room….

Rule 92-

**When taking the Avengers to the beach take muzzles, collars and leads-**

Tony needs the muzzle, collar and lead 'cause he starts mouthing off to goby kids and just generally has a habit of causing mayhem. Same with Clint. Natasha managed to restrain herself from mouthing off but I did see her hand twitching towards her gun, which she had, unsuccessfully tried to hide from me. But I'm a mother. I see everything, hear everything. Bruce had to go sit in the car for a while to calm down after several kids pounced on him 'cause they wanted to meet the Hulk. Steve went with him 'cause all the screaming and crying kids were giving him a head ache and Thor just sat and looked bewildered whilst Pepper tried to explain why people went to the beach to have fun. Loki merely sat and helped with Dreng who is already up and running and who kept attempting to escape.

Rule 93-

**DO NOT let the Avengers try to clean the Tower-**

Tony offered to hoover, Steve said he would dust, Bruce said he'd clean the labs, Thor said he would clean the kitchen and Natasha and Clint said they'd keep the kids out of the way of the cleaners. So I went down the shops with Pepper and left Loki to supervise the super heroes. Loki ended up rescuing Anbiorn from getting sucked up the hoover, Briana from Thor (Thor said something about her spitting out poptarts…) and Dreng from Natasha and Clint (they were teaching him archery and knife throwing). Steve and Bruce were the only ones who succeeded in doing what they said they would do. In Tony's defence he has never used a hoover in his life so the half an hour it took for him to work out how to work was totally justified. But the fact that he was hoovering my child is just disturbing. Thor just sat down eating box after box of poptarts and trying to get Briana to eat them too, which did not go my daughter's way at all as she took an instant dislike for them. And Natasha and Clint just can't seem to grasp the fact that just because Dreng is walking already does not mean they are allowed to teach him self-defence or attack yet.

Rule 94-

**When Fury asks why there are 3 kids wandering around the Tower tell him they are strays-**

He flipped when I told him they are my kids. Well actually he was all like,

"Oh congratulations." Until, that is, he asked who the dad was and I said, "Loki." Then he went ballistic saying,

"We can't have miniature Loki's running around!" That is until Briana toddled up to him and hugged his leg and said,

"Furry!" I tried to keep a straight face but failed miserably and Fury was just looking at Briana like _What-the-fuck-get-her-off! _But after that he just said,

"Well I suppose we can let them live."

My kids are such charmers, they have everyone they meet wrapped around their little fingers.

Rule 95-

**Don't let Tony buy your kids clothes-**

He came back with several 'I love Iron Man' t-shirts. *Sigh* I don't know why I expected any different.

Rule 96-

**Never let Tony push a pram with a child in it-**

He does wheelies and 360's. I mean seriously, he's like a big kid himself. He almost tipped Dreng out of the pram several times, though to be honest with you I think Dreng liked it as he was laughing away. I just wrote this rule to please Loki, who thought the whole ordeal should never be repeated again.

Rule 97-

**Don't remind Tony about Halloween-**

He decided that we needed to decorate the _whole _Tower! Have you seen the size of it! Of course size meant nothing to Tony so I just left them to it and took my kids and got the hell out of there before one of my kids got strung up as a decoration. Then he decided to get some sweets for trick or treaters. But unfortunately Tony and Loki joined forces to create some pretty scary tricks. The one time they form a temporary alliance and it has to be over tricks. *Sigh*

Rule 98-

**Resist the urge to tell Steve's girlfriend his new nickname-**

I couldn't resist. Alexis came round for dinner again and Briana and Anbiorn were asleep on Steve and Dreng said,

"Yay! Captain Huggles!" And threw himself at Steve just as Alexis came in. She laughed and I told her it was his new nickname and the story behind it. She said it suited him. I have decided she and I are going to be good friends.

Rule 99-

**Don't bug Natasha about her secrets-**

She and Clint are hiding something. I'm gonna find out one way or another.

Rule 100-

**Upon finding Natasha eating weird food like there's no tomorrow at 4 am try to contain your excitement-**

So at 4 am I hear something downstairs, so I wake Loki and we go into the hall and find that everybody else is in the hallway too (armed of course). We creep downstairs and the noise appears to be coming from the kitchen. So we burst into the kitchen…. Only to find Natasha with a spoonful of goop halfway to her mouth. She froze. Clint sighed and went back to bed. We just stood there the others clearly not getting the situation. Me however. I nearly shrieked. She sighed ate the spoonful of goop and said,

"I'm pregnant."


	11. Chapter 11

Rule 101-

**At Christmas let Tony have his fun decorating the Tower-**

I told him he was going way overboard and he nearly cried so I gave in and told him to go ahead.

Rule 102-

**Don't ask Tony what he's up to-**

He just said,

"Up to? I'm not up to anything! Why would you think I was up to something?" He said this all very quickly which leads me to the conclusion that he is definitely up to something.

Rule 103-

**Don't cry with happiness on Christmas day-**

In my defence Natasha and Pepper cried tears of joy too. Tony finally proposed to Pepper! It was her Christmas present. Then Tony had managed to track down somebody called Peggy from Steve's past and she and her grandkids came for Christmas dinner. Steve was soooo happy to see her that Natasha, Pepper and I needed to go in search of tissues. Then Tony referred to us as the hormonal bitches and we had to defend our honour and attack him with pillows.

Rule 105-

**Don't offer up opinions on names to Natasha-**

She didn't mind Pepper, Clint and I throwing in our opinions but god forbid anybody else who thought to give their opinions.

Rule 106-

**Don't leave Tony and any children alone near his alcohol cabinet-**

He encourages drinking from an early age. Luckily Steve got there just in time, because knowing my luck one sip of tequila and Anbiorn would be an alcoholic.

Rule 107-

**Don't let Thor, Loki and Tony take the kids to the circus-**

The thing is I thought that Steve and Bruce would be going so there would be some more responsible people to keep an eye on Tony, but they decided that they would rather stay behind at the last moment. So there they were wandering around with Tony teaching Thor and Loki about fun. Loki grasped it all immediately, being the mischief god and all, but Thor was confused by it all. Can I just say they had a pram each. Loki was pushing Dreng, Thor was pushing Briana (who he had forgiven for the whole poptart incident) and Tony pushing Anbiorn. You can just see how this was going to end can't you? Tony got kicked out for behaving irresponsibly with a pram (he tried to do tricks with Anbiorn still in it), Thor got kicked out for stealing poptarts from the group of clowns and encouraging a minor to do the same and after 2 hours of waiting for Loki they finally had to stage a jail brake. You see while Thor and Tony were behaving badly Loki was just wandering around and being good for once. Then a group of female dancers attacked him and held him hostage. Only I'm pretty sure they weren't about to try ransoming him. They had him and Dreng locked in their dressing room. Thor knocked in the door but they only captured him too and locked them in the bathroom. So now Tony was left with Briana and Anbiorn and had to somehow figure out a way to get Thor, Loki and Dreng out of there (preferably with their clothes on). So he called me.

"Loki is where?!" I got down there and busted them out and when the dancers attacked again they had to get through me. And that was not happening any time soon. They backed off the moment I pulled out the gun Natasha had given me for Christmas and allowed us passage out of the grounds. Easy. I don't know why they had such trouble.

Rule 108-

**Don't send the Avengers ice skating-**

Loki refused to go as when he goes near ice he turns blue and he knew that Tony would take the piss out of him. Bruce went to get it on film and Steve thought it would be a great idea. Natasha stayed behind and Clint went for her. Thor went along too. When they came back Tony had stitches in his arm, Clint had stitches in his leg and Thor said to me,

"Never again am I going to go with them when they insist on doing such a dangerous sport."

Steve swore he was never going to let Tony talk him into anything ever again and said it was a good thing he had taken the shield with him for emergencies.

Haha. Bruce got excellent footage though and we're gonna post it all over the internet!

Rule 109-

**For goodness sake take Clint with you when you take Natasha for her scan-**

Pepper and I went along with her and when the nurse asked where the father was Natasha said,

"At home eating Doritos and drinking cider." The poor nurse nearly had heart failure. Although it was the truth….

Rule 110-

**Don't instruct the Avengers on battle tactics-**

I got involved in one of their strategy talks and had an idea. They all turned towards me like they were amazed that I'd had an idea.

"Where the hell did you get a good idea like that from?" For which Tony earned a slap.

"You always have such good ideas." I'm pretty sure Loki was just sucking up but I gave him a kiss anyway.

**Now I need to know what you guys think about making this into a story. Please tell me!**


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